Life Isn't Fair, Stop Complaining
by I'm Not Wearing Any Pants
Summary: Be like Ben, and go do something constructive. Like save the world.


Ben 10 belongs to MoA. Let's do the time warp again.

Ben Tennyson wandered into his uneventful kitchen area, wearing a frown on his youthful features. "Hunger consumes me. I am wracked by an emptiness which cannot be filled in my current state of being," he muttered. Goth clothing and black lipstick suddenly appeared on his face and body. He walked several steps forward in time, approaching the container which contained the edible foodstuffs contained within the house that were not located in the pantry. He opened the refrigeration unit and his eyes widened in delight which caused the Goth items to vanish back to the abyss from whence they came...also known as Hot Topic. He saw various consumables of the edible variety, such as roast beef and turkey club sandwiches, cheddar cheese blocks, roasted chicken with lemon and herbs, chocolate cake slices, Danish pastries, strawberries, watermelon, etcetera, I can't be bothered to write out a full contents.

"This is all very tasty," Ben said to himself, as he licked his lips and wrung his hands mischievously, "I wonder which to eat."

Ben decided to take the gluttonous route, and devoured nearly everything in the fridge within the span of twenty minutes.

Gwen walked in and found him passed out on the kitchen rug, his belly vastly bloated, like a deviantART fetish picture. "Ben!" she shrieked. "Have you gotten into that whole stuffing scene?"

Ben woke violently from his otherwise peaceful slumber. "Ugh, huh, wha? Gwen! Why are you yelling? No, I haven't! What the heck is stuffing?"

"You don't want to know," Gwen responded. She placed her foot atop Ben's heaving gut and applied pressure, which made him squirm with discomfort. "You pig! You ate almost all of the food!"

"So?" Ben questioned ignorantly before belching.

"So?!" Gwen fumed. "Now your mom needs to buy more, that's why! You're so selfish."

"I'm a boy, what do you expect?" Ben said back to her with as much of a shrug as he could muster while lying down, with a heaving gut. "Besides, mom won't punish me for it. You're supposed to take everything I do wrong with a fair amount of sympathy, because Boys will be Boys. Ha ha."

"That's a bullshit excuse!" Gwen retorted.

"Yeah, only because you hang around on Tumblr all day, doing nothing constructive," he said. He rolled to one side and attempted to right himself once again. "Whining about things that will never change due to thousands of years of steady human civilization keeping the status quo in place, but feel free to keep yelling SMASH THE PATRIARCHY when you've got nothing better to do during your SUPERTEENWHOLOCK shipping pr0ny times."

"We will smash the patriarchy, and you with it!" Gwen yelled, becoming absolutely furious. "Then we can have shows with girls who have superpowers and are taught nothing but violence can ever solve problems, with a weak moral about why talking things out is the better decision, right before teaching the audience that fighting solves all problems, and fuck the representation minorities and women!"

Ben wasn't listening to her and gone off to watch TV in the living room.

"Ben! Typical male, never listening to a female's opinion!" She stomped her foot.

"You know a rich heterosexual white man started Tumblr, right?" Ben called from his spot at the TV.

Gwen exploded in rage and flew out the window.

"Finally, some peace and quiet," said Ben before clicking the remote and turning up the TV volume to absurdly loud. Not ten minutes of mindless fake science police investigation sexual carnage disguised as fat suburban American's daily entertainment passed before Ben heard a crash outside.

What had sounded suspiciously similar to a car crash turned out to be a car that had been thrown down the street into his home's adjoining garage unit.

"Now what?" Ben questioned with a fair amount of frustration.

As if on a regular cue, Doctor Animo showed up in a mechanical gorilla suit that had a hastily tacked on lizard tail and large bear claws held together by vast amounts of duct tape and possibly industrial strength glue.

"Ben Tennyson, prepare to die!" Doctor Animo declared.

"Can't you come back later? I haven't finished digesting my lunch," Ben growled down at him.

"No."

"Damn it."

Ben heaved a sigh, burping shortly after once again, and brought his wrist up to dial a hero on his Omnitrix.

"Let us hope I receive Way Big, so I can stomp that bitch into the ground once and for all," declared Ben before striking the watch.

Lo and behold...he became Upchuck.

"Well, fuck. I don't even care. It works," he said before jumping out the window to meet his adversary in combat.

Upon hitting the ground, he burped loudly, which caused a ball of green volatile energy to come exploding out of his mouth and blew up Doctor Animo's machine upon contact.

"Oops," Ben said.

"I didn't even get a chance to attack!" Doctor Animo whined furiously, as mentally unstable man-children do.

"Yeah, that happens," Ben said, shrugging while smiling widely. Upchuck Ben shot out his tongues and grasped Doctor Animo by the neck, then flinging him back and forth against the ground and the intact side of the busted up garage until he begged for mercy.

"Stop, I give up! Stop!"

"Okay, good for you," Ben said. He dropped Doctor Animo to the ground before transforming to his human state. Suddenly, he was overwhelmed by most violent cramping. It was so intense, that his knees buckled under his own weight, and he fell to the ground. "Ow, wtf? I'm having a food baby!"

"Ha, stupid Tennyson. You haven't won yet," said Doctor Animo, too hastily. "You look like you've got food poisoning from something you must have eaten."

"How do you know that?" Ben whimpered, now in the fetal position.

"I'm a doctor, stupid," Doctor Animo responded.

"You're not a REAL medical doctor! Besides, weren't you a vet before you got fired for unethical experimentation?" he inquired.

"I have a CERTIFICATE, damn it!" Doctor Animo fumed. "It's framed and everything."

"I don't even care!" Ben yelled. "Somebody get me a stomach pump!"

"How about this," Doctor Animo said to him before threatening to stomp his boot down onto Ben's vulnerable distended stomach.

"NOOOO!" Ben wailed. "I'll end up like Gluttony from Se7en!"

Before Doctor Animo could execute his malevolent maneuver, Gwen showed up from behind and blasted him with her magical sparkling girly energy. The incomprehensible frequency of the magical energy waves' power caused Doctor Animo to shit his pants. "AAAAAAAH!" He fell face first to the ground.

"Leave my abhorrent, egotistical, privileged blind, entitled doofus of a cousin alone, you jerk!" she shouted. She landed on the ground and hurried over to Ben's side. "Ben, are you okay?"

"No, I'm not! I'm gonna blow!" Ben screamed. Ben shit his pants.

"Ewwww," Gwen groaned. "I'm the only one here who hasn't shit their pants!"

"Sheesh, you want a medal or something?" Ben responded. "I wonder what I ate that caused my intense discomfort and inevitable bowel evacuation? Maybe something gave me Salmonella."

"It could have been that spinach salad," Gwen suggested.

Ben's face contorted in horror and disgust. "Ew, no way! I don't eat gross stuff like that!"

"Well, that was all you left in there, you greedy slob! I ate some for lunch a few minutes ago," Gwen mumbled worriedly. She soon began to feel the stirrings of stomach discomfort. "Oh no!" Gwen promptly shit her pants.

Ben exploded into laughter. "Ha, now you're no different. Except that you're wearing WHITE PANTS!"

Gwen erupted into shrieking, furious hysteria.

(End)


End file.
